who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize