My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
