Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
When are your genitals available?
I need a beard to bite.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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