tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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