I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
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