I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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