All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
