I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
