Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
