I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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