I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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