I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
