I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize