Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
