proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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