I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
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