woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
