We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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