TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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