I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
