Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
