i think my mom watched the whole time
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
