i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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