Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
