Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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