Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
