My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
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