Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
