it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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