I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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