fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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