you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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