I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
