So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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