mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
