my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
