I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I don't deserve a penis
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
