Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize