Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
