Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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