i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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