wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
