I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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