I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
