Jerry, you need to find god
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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