Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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