yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
