They should really pass out barf bags in church
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize