We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
