im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
