I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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