I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
