I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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