you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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