It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
