The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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